"My rule was I wouldn't recruit a kid if he had grass in front of his house.
That's not my world. My world was a cracked sidewalk." —Al McGuire

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Breaking News: Badger Killer En Route to Milwaukee

The Cracked Sidewalks staff has learned that noted British badger roadkill expert Arthur Boyt is en route to Milwaukee for Saturday's game between Marquette and the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

Boyt, the world's foremost roadkill culinary expert, is expected to scape badger carcasses from the floor of Al McGuire Court late Saturday afternoon before wowing the crowd in a special episode of the BBC's 'The Iron Chef, The Roadie'.

In a statement, Boyt said "from what I've been told, badgers that migrate on easterly routes in Wisconsin rarely make it home alive, so there will be plenty of vittles to go around." Mr. Boyt, who calls badger sandwiches his favorite meal, will also use the trip to Wisconsin to promote his upcoming cookbook on roadkill delicacies.

When reached on his car phone in pursuit of dinner on Wednesday evening, Boyt said he "could not let Saturday's badger roadkill go to waste" and believes that "the hot air associated with this particular breed of badger will make for a decent pate if properly harvested. These badgers are a soft lot." Boyt did not express any concern over the questionable instinct of his prey.

In a rare show of support, Boyd's trip will be underwritten by PETA.

A PETA source - - who would speak to us only on background for fear of upsetting supporters of the ogranization - - indicated that, "America's Dairyland is over-run with vermin, and we hope that Arthur's leadership will help regulate the unwanted badger population which is known to spread maladies like tuberculosis, rabies and a failure to double-down on the post in March."

Boyt, who has eaten roadkill regularly for 30 years, famously revealed his culinary fetish to the world last year in the Sun newspaper, where he was pictured with his prey.

Tipoff is scheduled for 1pm CST on Saturday at the Bradley Center. Boyt's feast will begin at roughly 3pm with a pre-sale book drive to follow.

Boyt's creedo, which appears on his letterhead and in a variety of collectible items available on his rural estate reads:
License to kill badgers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Haha, nice I love these posts! Badger roadkill. Marquette will soar past the badgers saturday. Tucker, Butch, and Taylor won't forget the last two times they have played here. Both loses. For tucker its 3 cuz this is his fifth year playing against Marquette!?